The days are getting warmer. Rain is more frequent. In Oklahoma, that means just one thing. It’s tornado season. I haven’t watched the severe weather outlook for the season, but I’m sure expectations are high. I mean, weather is only exciting when it’s dangerous.
Local meteorologists have perfected the Storm Season stage show in which dowdy townsfolk assemble in a corrugated tin barns aka gymnasiums to see what rotating air looks like up close.
If you have an aversion to crowds or one of these presentations doesn’t fit your schedule, don’t worry. Thanks to the magic of television, the ultimate tornado survival guide is available in our homes at least twice a week.
Of course, I’m talking about the classic film, Twister. Twister premiered May 10, 1996 on Helen Hunt’s forehead and promptly became a hit. Now, it can usually be found somewhere--usually on CMT, because tornadoes are so country. Besides, nothing eases tension like an ad for FarmersOnly.com. This is Hollywood’s cockpunch to Oklahoma, where residents are all hayseeds awaiting their imminent fate, which is to be killed by a tornado.
This is demonstrated by Philip Seymour Hoffman’s character, “Dusty.” This is sort of a hyperactive redneck preview of “Scotty J” from Boogie Nights. Outfitted in an OU baseball cap and a pair of Realistic headphones, Dusty is way too excited about deadly weather phenomena.
Now, Twister should be applauded. The special effects were quite stunning for the time and it’s gotta to be a bitch trying to work terms like wall cloud, Fujita Scale, and squall line into a major motion picture script. Not to mention the unironic use of the term, “suck zone.”
The heroine is played by aforementioned Helen Hunt. He character is Jo, who as a child, lost her father to a tornado. As an adult, she’s obsessed with storms and dresses like one of the Bushwhackers from pro wrestling. Like most obsessed people, she’s highly irritating. She also leads a team of ragtag, but instinctive storm chasers--of which, Dusty is a member.
Jo has developed some sort of top secret device she calls “Dorothy.” It is a trash can full of transponders, that when hand-delivered into the vortex of a tornado, will transmit all sorts of tornado data to her crew’s refurbished ASUS laptop.
Bill Paxton, playing “Bill ‘the Extreme’” is a tv weatherman and Jo’s estranged husband. He has wandered into BFE to get Jo to sign divorce papers so he can marry reproductive therapist, Jami Gertz and her pitiful Okie accent. Gertz ends up delivering the most poignant line of the film, when she deems the entire group crazy, with Jo being the craziest.
In addition to battling the elements, Jo’s crew is engaged in an ongoing turf war with a team of evil storm chasers, led by a dude named Jonas, who has the most unlikely of stormchaser names. These guys are usually named Lightning Joe, Buck Danger or maybe just Dale.
Jonas’s group is evil because they are sponsored by corporations. Evidently they should have latched on to the government teat to fund their endeavors. However, as a result, they chase storms in a fleet of black vehicles equipped with the latest technology (except Dorothy!). Meanwhile, Joe’s team sputters around the state in a collection of shitty jalopes purchased from a Junior Samples liquidation sale.
Residents of Tornado Alley shrug this off. We don’t stop mowing our lawns unless it’s and F3. Sure, the movie is over the top, completely unrealistic, and at times the film looks like an ad for Dodge Trucks or Pepsi, but what action! Flying cows, driving through a displaced house, a tanker truck doing a Triple Lindy. Or as they call it in Latimer county, Memorial Day weekend.
Anyway, as for the storm tips and facts...
-Taking shelter beneath a wooden bridge is acceptable and will provide ample protection.
-Tornadoes can touch down anywhere, but they prefer rural areas.
- Storm chasers have their own jargon. Kind of like adrenaline junkie truck drivers. Instead of getting in the rocking chair, they get in the bear cage.
-F5 tornadoes (aka the Finger of God) should not be mentioned aloud. It will be met with dropped silverware and cold silence.
-Severe storms can make a person amorous. Narrowly escaping death, being pelted with debris and becoming mud-caked can be an aphrodisiac.
-When shelter isn’t available, a good belt and solid fence post will suffice. This will also insulate a person from the debris field.
-Crossing Billy the Extreme will result in “imminent rueage.”
Pick up your severe weather map at Arby’s and stay safe.
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