Eleven Days

The cold front has pushed through, the leaves are beginning to work their way to the ground and the trucks and trailers are headed for Tulsa. Yes, it’s fair time, or as the Tulsa State Fair people claim, Eleven Days of Awesome. Or maybe hyperbole.

The band of exhibitioners, Murphy gypsies, tramps and thieves, and masters of the deep-fried culinary arts are about to occupy midtown—a word of caution before opting to leave your windows open for that welcomed cool autumn air—to fill the fairgrounds with thrills, entertainment, meth amphetamine and irritable bowels.

I love the fair. Eight bucks is a bargain to see a rigged midway, people you don't see anywhere else and sedated pigs face down in a pile of sawdust. In just a few hours, people will be shoving all things deep fried into their halitosis-stricken mouths, putting their physical safety in the hands of meth-heads operating sputtering thrill rides and testing their skill, luck and nerves trying to win useless prizes playing carnival games.

This year’s theme is “Picture This,” (a nice nod to Huey Lewis’s underrated second album) and while I certainly can, I don’t think that’s what the county has in mind. With the popularity of social media and hash tags, the fair is a perfect collaboration. It’s always been a series of photo opportunities, now we can tag them and share with friends. So, in that spirit, I’ve started a list—a photographic scavenger hunt, of sorts.

The big day is almost upon us, charge your phone, sharpen your eye, and get ready to click and tag.

#Juggalos Remember when at-risk youth wore Canadian tuxedos and sneaked Lucky Strikes? Oh, for simpler times. Dressing as clowns, slurping Faygo and yelling “Whoop Whoop!” is a real thing. Presumably for kids that find the Goth scene too cheery.

#ShedBeCuteIfSheDidntRaisePigs We’ve all seen this girl when touring the livestock exhibit. Beneath the ill-fitting Wranglers and clunky boots is an attractive young woman. If she could do something with the hair and wardrobe instead of getting out of bed at 4am to tend to the livestock. But there are still the ill-fitting Wranglers and clunky boots. As well as the ability to catch a nap or eat a chili dog within two feet of a shit-littered pig pen. The guys on FarmersOnly.com won’t mind. I’m city folk and I just don’t get it.

#OverpricedSouvenirBeerCup How do you make stale, 3.2 beer more attractive? How do you justify an even larger mark-up? Yes, the souvenir cup. Last year, this was in the form of a plastic Golden Driller that unsophisticated drinkers could repurpose as change jars or beef stick holders.

#OklahomaHatTrick This is accomplished by the skilled fairgoer with the dexterity and internal fortitude to handle a turkey leg, beer and cigarette at the same time.

#LocalCelebrity Send out the weekend meteorologist or third string sports anchor and watch the moths swarm the lightbulb. Everybody wins.

#BadTattoo Within five minutes on the grounds, you’re sure to find someone who literally said, “fuck it, just put something on my body permanently.”

#AggressiveSalesman Booth space is expensive and I’m not sure who buys a swimming pool at the fair. Still, management is tense and puts pressure on his sales associates, telling them with higher foot traffic, you damn well better move some product. Now’s he’s passing this pressure along to anybody entering a ten-foot radius of his booth—sort of like Bobo in Dockers.

#FauxRida The midway has long been known the battle of music, pitting hip-hop against strip club metal. Suddenly, artists want to be compensated for their wares. To counter this margin-slashing cost, replica songs have been produced and given the quality of the sound system and patrons’ own level of inebriation, so only a few will notice. It’s like Kidz Bop, though I seriously doubt ASCAP fees have been paid. It is coming down, but not for real.

#UnlicensedCharacters As the fair master minds have discovered, licensing is for squares. The solution—Hellow Kittie. Completely different from that thing Asian girls love, and these can be produced in bulk for pennies in Chinese factories. Beany Bu, you ask? Got tons of ‘em. Why, we’d sue TY for infringement if we weren’t such sweethearts.

#Cougar Who doesn’t enjoy older women on the prowl? Overdressed and overly made up—complete with a thick coat of “I Swallow Red” lipstick—lots of jewelry sipping Kendall Jackson from a plastic cup with a cartoon goat on it, because these ladies aren’t just older; they’re more sophisticated.

#PanFluteBand What’s more soothing than giving your feet a rest and enjoying the serene sounds of a pan flute band? Okay bad question, but the juxtaposition of soft music just off the midway where a few dozen people hotbox Basics prior to entering the exhibit hall is one of those things that make the fair such a unique experience.

#Mullet #Skullet #ManBun The fair is a great place to see the latest fashion trends and pick up ideas. Fashionable hairstyles are in no short supply along the midway—these are just a few of my favorites.

#TurboChristiansOnMotorbikes These are like regular biker gangs but instead of meth, they’re hooked on Jesus. Instead of Easy Rider, they read from the New International Version. Instead of the Doobie Brothers, they listen to Toby Mac.

#Shenanigans The local news outlets will have reports later this week about final inspections of midway rides and games because, for some reason, this is always a concern. The rides are rattletraps, the carnies are tweakers and the games are rigged. People still don’t care.

#Boomer For those of you that can’t be troubled to drive over to 46th and Memorial and park at the door, Big Red Sales will have prime real estate. That way you can park, walk two miles, pay gate admission and walk through the crowd—and pan flute band—to pick up your favorite land thieves gear. Perhaps you’ll run into a former Sooner star—likely a semi-intoxicated Jamelle Holieway—trying to generate traffic in exchange for ride coupons and beer.

#MurphyInnovations The Murphy Brothers are nothing if not innovative. They have been making the midway experience more enjoyable for decades. From ridiculously stringent safety standards to meticulously screened employees to great new forms of entertainment. I was reading on their website that their midways are fully landscaped. The accompanying photo showed a morbidly obese carnie operating bumper cars near a potted palm.

That should get you started. Be critical, be creative, but most of all, have a great time!