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| Make room on the mantel, my friend. An Emmy is headed our way |
Nearly any television show with legs will eventually offer up a Christmas-themed episode. This has been complicated by the flood of Hallmark Christmas presentations, where erstwhile celebrities go to keep their SAG-AFTRA memberships from going inactive.
However, back in the day, holiday-themed episodes were a staple of prime-time television programming. The lifeguard/eye candy drama, Baywatch, never bashful about exploiting any and everything to fill forty minutes, less the two-minute introduction and seven-to-ten minutes of montages. Somewhat surprisingly, this was not fleshed out until Season 5.
In December 1994, Baywatch presented the requisite Christmas episode, a two-part hall decker featuring tanning and scanning along the shores of Will Rogers State Beach. Wedging some yuletide fun into the typical storyline was no trouble. By its very nature, Baywatch was an exercise in futile storytelling and multiple shark jumps. In addition to habitually meddling with natural selection, the ingredients for the Baywatch Christmas slumgullion included:
–Mitch is falling deeply in love (meaning the love interest has a yet-to-be-revealed terminal illness–don’t worry; the bread crumbs are there even if Mitch can’t find them).
–Mitch and Hobie are conned by a 10-year-old juvenile delinquent.
–A conflicted priest
–Midgets!
–A snow machine
Clearly, this is the kind of television the Emmys were created to honor. For a general lay of the Baywatch land, it’s a truncated cast. Stephanie is off with that bake sale oceanographer, Riley, ostensibly diving for underwater ganja. Logan is also notably absent, but nobody seems to notice. Matt is depressed because he hates Christmas. This seems to stem from a chasm between him and his father. Evidently, the senior Brody does not find lifeguard to be a noble profession for a filthy rich pretty boy. CJ tries to cheer him up, further blurring the status of their relationship. Caroline shows up late, jittery and in everyone’s business as if she’d heard there would be a Christmas delivery of Los Angeles snow at HQ.
Mitch, that affable clod, is madly in love as mentioned above. Throughout Baywatch history, Mitch is to women as airplanes are to Lynyrd Skynyrd. Her name is Tracy, she has a terminal illness, and longs for Christmas in Connecticut. Mitch vows to give her the best Christmas ever as a few of the non-speaking lifeguards sort through a few boxes of decorations that have pragmatically been brought out to the beach to sort through.
The plotlines are all over the map with stops in trite, non-linear, and ludicrous. A group of midgets pour onto the beach for a quick vacation. They take a shine to Matt and set up their little camp next to his tower. Matt, not precisely the brightest star in the eastern sky, suspects something but can’t put his manicured finger on it.
The first rescue of the episode occurs when a paragliding Santa Claus, wearing Adidas running shoes, is put in peril by an oblivious boat driver. The midgets see the whole thing and applaud. They are easily amused.
A priest named Father Ryan shows up. In an obscure bit of continuing education, Father Ryan is allowed to shadow CJ for a few days. As CJ is easier than the first level of Pac-Man, they hit it off immediately. Father Ryan considers leaving the priesthood. CJ assumes it’s because he’s in love with her. It’s not. Sad trombone.
Meanwhile, Paula Trickey guest stars as a single mother, problem gambler, petty thief, and transient. She first cons an obese bookmaker with the help of her daughter, Joey, who is believed to be a boy until the second act. They then team up to rip off a jewelry vendor on the boardwalk. This one attracts the sharp eye of Officer Garner Ellerbee. Joey gets away, but Homeless Paula Trickey is taken to county.
Enter juicer Hobie, who makes Matt seem like DaVinci, who bumps into Joey and buys her sob story hook, line, and sinker. Telling him she has no place to go and is waiting on her mother to arrive via bus from San Diego, Hobie takes her back to Casa de Buchanon. When he opens the door, he finds Terminal Tracy on the sofa with Mitch, who is rounding first and showing no signs of slowing. It’s unclear who she objects to, but Terminal Tracy goes home.
Mitch and Hobie are preoccupied with Joey taking a bath, but she refuses. It’s at this point, the baseball cap comes off, the hair falls down, and Mitch and Hobie learn the truth–or some of it.
The next day, the bus still hasn’t arrived from San Diego–maybe she meant rickshaw–and Mitch’s spidey senses detect bullshit. Joey spends another night at Casa de Buchanon, during which Mitch finds her sitting on the sofa and firing up a lung dart.
A more understanding Hobie learns that Homeless Paula Trickey is not on the rickshaw bus, but got pinched and is in the county lock-up. Joey immediately goes to work on a scheme to raise bail with Hobie’s hapless help.
Unbeknownst to Mitch, Hobie and Joey sell raffle tickets for $20 a pop with the winner getting to ride in a New Year’s parade to be determined, sitting beside Mitch. They raise $300, which won’t cover it.
Meanwhile, the obese bookmaker has enlisted muscle to get his money back. He appears to be the Teemu version of Steven Segal. I know, I also thought Steven Segal was the Teemu version of Steven Segal, but evidently not. The lughead in a tank top and Silver Tab Levi’s chases the kids around the pier near Santa Monica. Hobie and Joey run through the catwalk beneath the pier with Teemu Segal in tepid pursuit. At the end of the line, Joey falls off the edge, dropping the money they made into the ocean. Hobie tries to pull her to safety but has yet to reach his chemically enhanced optimal strength. She falls.
Though out of view, the Baywatch news network has reported a goon chasing two children below the pier. Mitch’s Spidey senses prevail again. He somehow knows this involves Hobie. The whole gang takes off, post haste.
After losing his grip and letting Joey fall, Hobie jumps in after her. He plays one-man Marco Polo for a few minutes until the reinforcements arrive. Mitch finds Joey on the ocean floor sitting on a rock. After a few tense moments of CPR, Joey is saved. She then tells Mitch the whole story. Mitch feels for her. The big moosie, his eyes already shrink-wrapped in tears. With Officer Garner Ellerbee’s help, the charges are dropped, Homeless Paula Trickey is sprung, and things are once again chop. The judge wants to see Homeless Paula Tricky and Joey. She’s hesitant, but Mitch says he’ll help her get a job if she goes through with it. Problems solved. It was interesting that while Paula Trickey was homeless, she wore different clothes every day, and her hair and makeup were perfect. Location, location, location, as they say.
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| "Hi, Betsy, we need a new homeless, now. But good-looking homeless." |
Meanwhile, one of the midgets waded too far out into the ocean. Matt saves him. The collective crush on Matt intensifies. While he’s out on another rescue, the drowning midget decorates Matt’s tower for Christmas. Matt suspects they are elves!
It was the night before Christmas, and all along the beach, not a creature was stirring. Except, an inexplicably tuxedoed Mitch. He surprises Terminal Tracy with a decorated lifeguard tower, a small dance floor, and a dinner table with no food. There’s some sentimental shuck and jive, some kissing, and then Mitch and Terminal Tracy trip the light fantastic on a remarkably level dance floor set up on the sand. Montage time as the two scoot around, and the viewer hears what sounds like the fourth runner-up in a Diana Krall soundalike contest.
Christmas Day arrives with everyone meeting at HQ. Mitch, judging by his clothing, thinks it’s a round-up. Homeless Paula Trickey–in another outfit, great hair and makeup- is there with Joey. Mitch has arranged for a snow machine, but it is late arriving. Christmas delivery can be complicated, dude. The midgets come to the rescue, evidently finding a snow machine in their picnic basket. Mitch is able to give Terminal Tracy the white Christmas she’d pined for.
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| Christmas or Rodeo? |
The party moves outside, where the snow has accumulated to a level providing for a snowman and snowballs. In the middle of the revelry, Teemu Segal shows up, because a good hitman will always come through, even on Christmas. Of course, he’s easily recognized, and he flees at the sight of Officer Garner Ellerbee, stealing an ATV. Mitch and Matt jump on ATVs to give pursuit.
The Baywatch pickup truck is also summoned into action, with the midgets jumping in back to cheer on the driver. The truck catches up and–I crap you negative–the midgets begin hurling wrapped Christmas presents at Teemu Segal, eventually causing him to crash. The midgets jump on him until he can be taken into custody by Officer Garner Ellerbee.
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| Presents away! |
Back outside HQ, Mitch leads the cast in the singing of “Silent Night.” The episode reaches its merciful end.
Drive-in Totals
2:09 time elapsed to first dialog
34 pairs of gratuitous breasts
3 aquarium shots
8 confirmed product placements
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