It’s been a difficult few weeks for your favorite author. The Astros lost the World Series, then were accused of cheating by a disgruntled former pitcher and a mild Twitter sensation from NYC. The Longhorn football program is a dumpster fire and I heard a Christmas song last night.
I released a new book, which judging by the numbers, many of you were not aware. Que sera sera. I work in an antique media, so I can only expect so much. Then, this morning, just as the Prozac was starting to make me forget my fantasies of fiery car crashes or alternate uses for a jump rope, I found a story about the new release from the former first lady, Michelle Obama.
Unlike many of her political ilk, I don’t begrudge anyone making a buck. But after laboring over 70,000 words for two years and not being even to convene a choir of crickets, the release of a 20-dollar de facto activity book that is sure to become a best-seller has me thinking something is out of phase.
In the epoch of adult coloring books and with MO’s new cash cow, I’ve come to realize I’ve been doing things all wrong. I’ll make you do all the work while convincing you it’s in the name of self-help. Add a dollop of affirmation and slap a slogan on a Yeti for the webstore and before you know it, I’m spending Christmas on St. Barts, eternally freeing myself from the hassles of the Oxford comma and avoiding passive tense.
So instead of boring you with the story of how I was unwittingly sucked into an adult bookstore, you can tell me something. Look at the photograph above. What do you see? Then, once you are being open and honest with yourself, consider the following:
- Have you ever been the victim of bait and switch? How did this make you feel? How did you resolve to empower yourself after the fact?
2. Have you ever wanted something so badly, you threw a shit fit until you got it? What was it? Was it worth it?
3. Who was your favorite Rockets player from the championship teams of the 1990s?
4. Do you prefer Chef Boyardee or Franco American?
5. How have you lifted up somebody less fortunate than yourself? Did you believe the bullshit about how he needed money for gas?
6. List 10 people you’d like to throat punch.
7. Describe today’s weather using only adverbs.
8. Name 10 things that make you better than regular people.
9. What is the last thing you read? Did it inspire you to do anything?
10. Do you like movies about gladiators?
Two years, my ass. That took twenty minutes. Check back this afternoon for the Yeti designs. And the hoodies. And tote bags--100% recycled garbage.
And my next public appearance is going to be a ticketed affair. $29.50 to sit in the back. $250 if you insist on speaking to me.
